Weird T Shirts are delightful things. First invented around 287 BC the humble T Shirt has always aspired to greatness. Also to weirdness. That's because (weird) T Shirts are generally - but not always - infected with a hunger for human flesh. Before wearing a t-shirt for the first time you should first have it exorcised by a registered t-shirt exorcising professional. He or she will submit the t shirt to various psychic exercises designed to weary the evil spirits which infest the t shirt.
The process of shirt exorcisation will often take many hours, or sometimes even days: but the exact length of time is proportional to the mental state of the exorcist. Depending on whether he is a psychopath, sociopath, or a boring normal individual, will correspond to the amount of time taken.
After your shiny new t shirt has had all resident ghosts, spirits, demons, leprechauns etcetera removed, you can prepare it for wearing. This is arguably the most difficult task of all. Having had the demons removed, the t shirt will enter a phase of catatonic slothful indolency. So now your task is to excite the t shirt in such a manner that it will leap over your head and wear itself on you. To do this you will need a large amount of sugar, flour, potassium nitrate and half a teaspoon of pure evil. Mix all this ingredients together in a wooden bowl until they form a thick paste. Apply the paste liberally to all exposed areas of the t shirt, then place in a cool dark paste to solidify over night. The following day you can take the t shirt outside and set it alight with some flammable liquid. If all the components of the paste were mixed correctly then the t shirt will now expand to one hundred times its original size and then burst into a million tiny sparkles of happiness. Settling on the ground, these sparkles will reform into something not unlike the original t shirt. At this point you may use the magical t shirt automation command "excelsior". The t shirt should spring into action and envelop you with its t-shirty goodness. Please note however, certain risks are posed by a t shirts new found liveliness; small children or the stupid should not wear weird t shirts in case of suffocation.
